Mesothelioma Survivors - Watching my mum die

This is a story and enquiry from one of mesothelioma survivor..read more here :

Hi,

I held my mums hand and watched her die last Sunday (20/09/2007). She had mesothelioma cancer 5 years ago which came back secondary into her liver and eventually her spleen. She was 64 years old.

I am having a difficult time accepting her death, although at the time of prognosis were told they could not cure it but try and shrink and manage it. This resulted in her having 18 months of chemo in 6 months. In the end it did nothing. I am angry that her last 6 months were full of pain and suffering and had terrible side effects from the chemo. She had no quality of life.

I was with her, holding her hand when she died and although I feel privileged to share such a special part of the human life cycle, it was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced.

Being there and watching her gasp for breath, watching the physical changes to her body, listening to the sounds her body made as she came closer to death all have impacted on me significantly and I am struggling to process everything I heard, smelt, felt and saw.


When my mum took her last breath she squeezed my hand and my dad's very hard. I am confused as to wether this was her way of saying goodbye or if it was just her muscles reflexing as she passed away. My husband thinks I should make of it what I feel and believe in that.

I cannot believe she is gone and keep hearing her voice and seeing snippets of her when we were together. I am so sad to know she will never get to met my children, nor have the chance to be a grandmother.

Just before she passed away I saw shadows move across the hospital room. I do not know what to make of this. Was I witnessing something or was it the fact I had no sleep for the last 48 hours?

I have been raised a catholic and have a very open mind to all things spiritual but find myself questioning what is there after death?

Can anyone help?